i like being thin

i hate being lonely

i don't enjoy not knowing how to solve the problem in front of me

i hate you valentines day :(

bleh the gym was crowded as hell yest due to snow = boredom = freshmen all go to gym

i'm getting there super early today so i can get ~my machine~ and leave asap instead of yest where i got off on the wrong foot. it was ok, i just like routine. as you can tell.

i need to do my HW today and go buy some food.... lol

it's snowing again but that's not going to stop me.

still can't decide if i feel dat or not today. i feel ok i guess. today is 4th day this week i've gone to gym. tomorrow will be a 5/7 which is always the best but 4/7 isn't the worst. i'm going to aim for 5/7 since my dad's birthday is sunday and we are going to johnnies and i'm going to let myself eat a jr burger and maybe 2 onion rings.

:I

this isn't a post about eating for once haha

i have a tough/mod image- like, with my style, maybe not so much with my personality anymore. i wear a lot of black and a lot of boots. combat boots, mostly. i do wingtip dark eyes every time i leave my house. i have a nose ring. even if my style isn't universally loved, at least i have a style.

but really i have always always wanted to look lovely and more like a stylish princess. i don't really want to dress in sweet lolita or anything like that... but girly clothes look like shit on me. i don't even think it's my short hair or an issue of being fat/thin. i put them on and it's like. bleh.

the ONE time i wore something girly people told me how shit it looked in passive aggressive ways. well, damn. i even had long hair back then and i wasn't fat (maybe like idk 150 pounds chubby i guess)

and now that i want a real job, it's like i have to change everything about myself ALL OVER AGAIN... just when i finally feel ok picking out outfits and jewelry and makeup i have to start all over. i don't have the money to build a new wardrobe. i hate professional clothes.

i just want to have a style that i like 100% and wear it without people giving me grief over it.

whatever, guess if i have to i'll just go buy all black clothes. i'm not even joking.

my weight as of last summer: about 180 pounds

my weight today: 135.5 pounds

when i will relent: 120 pounds

yes, i do still want to keep losing weight but in a moderate way. only 1-2 pounds a week, tops. doing it the way i was wasn't good, obviously. i need to eat a more BALANCED DIET and eat ENOUGH food.

for my weight, height, and exersice lvel (5x week) this si what the guidelines are:

to maintain: 2252 (whoa this is too much) to lose moderately: 1802 to lose quickly: 1352 i'd say yesterday i had 1500 so that's not bad. i'll keep it in that neighborhood and i'm sure it will be ok. damn the formatting of this post is weird now, lol. anyway i can't stand being trapped in my house for the third day in a row so i'm going to the gym, probably for like 2 hours because i'm SO BORED. and maybe i'll get something from a shop on the way back. i need some sunlight! or snowlight.

i wanna go to the pink & black ball but i don't have a date. :( sad times.

man, i missed the second discussion. i was ONE minute off form it being locked. feels bad. :(

another snow day. i want to go the gym but it's REALLY cold outside. like REALLY cold. i still have 3 days left (R, F, S) to work out so idk if I'll end up going today. Too bad yoga is dumb and I hate it. I tried! I really did but I cannot do it. I just feel ridiculous...

i wonder if i can find a job being a feminist activist in Austin. Prrrrrobably knot.... :T

sigh

looking back, the rape really did trigger the anorexia. it intensified it.

typing that sucks so much, but it is the truth.