i like being thin

i hate being lonely

i don't enjoy not knowing how to solve the problem in front of me

i hate you valentines day :(

bleh the gym was crowded as hell yest due to snow = boredom = freshmen all go to gym

i'm getting there super early today so i can get ~my machine~ and leave asap instead of yest where i got off on the wrong foot. it was ok, i just like routine. as you can tell.

i need to do my HW today and go buy some food.... lol

it's snowing again but that's not going to stop me.

still can't decide if i feel dat or not today. i feel ok i guess. today is 4th day this week i've gone to gym. tomorrow will be a 5/7 which is always the best but 4/7 isn't the worst. i'm going to aim for 5/7 since my dad's birthday is sunday and we are going to johnnies and i'm going to let myself eat a jr burger and maybe 2 onion rings.

:I

this isn't a post about eating for once haha

i have a tough/mod image- like, with my style, maybe not so much with my personality anymore. i wear a lot of black and a lot of boots. combat boots, mostly. i do wingtip dark eyes every time i leave my house. i have a nose ring. even if my style isn't universally loved, at least i have a style.

but really i have always always wanted to look lovely and more like a stylish princess. i don't really want to dress in sweet lolita or anything like that... but girly clothes look like shit on me. i don't even think it's my short hair or an issue of being fat/thin. i put them on and it's like. bleh.

the ONE time i wore something girly people told me how shit it looked in passive aggressive ways. well, damn. i even had long hair back then and i wasn't fat (maybe like idk 150 pounds chubby i guess)

and now that i want a real job, it's like i have to change everything about myself ALL OVER AGAIN... just when i finally feel ok picking out outfits and jewelry and makeup i have to start all over. i don't have the money to build a new wardrobe. i hate professional clothes.

i just want to have a style that i like 100% and wear it without people giving me grief over it.

whatever, guess if i have to i'll just go buy all black clothes. i'm not even joking.

my weight as of last summer: about 180 pounds

my weight today: 135.5 pounds

when i will relent: 120 pounds

yes, i do still want to keep losing weight but in a moderate way. only 1-2 pounds a week, tops. doing it the way i was wasn't good, obviously. i need to eat a more BALANCED DIET and eat ENOUGH food.

for my weight, height, and exersice lvel (5x week) this si what the guidelines are:

to maintain: 2252 (whoa this is too much) to lose moderately: 1802 to lose quickly: 1352 i'd say yesterday i had 1500 so that's not bad. i'll keep it in that neighborhood and i'm sure it will be ok. damn the formatting of this post is weird now, lol. anyway i can't stand being trapped in my house for the third day in a row so i'm going to the gym, probably for like 2 hours because i'm SO BORED. and maybe i'll get something from a shop on the way back. i need some sunlight! or snowlight.

i wanna go to the pink & black ball but i don't have a date. :( sad times.

man, i missed the second discussion. i was ONE minute off form it being locked. feels bad. :(

another snow day. i want to go the gym but it's REALLY cold outside. like REALLY cold. i still have 3 days left (R, F, S) to work out so idk if I'll end up going today. Too bad yoga is dumb and I hate it. I tried! I really did but I cannot do it. I just feel ridiculous...

i wonder if i can find a job being a feminist activist in Austin. Prrrrrobably knot.... :T

sigh

looking back, the rape really did trigger the anorexia. it intensified it.

typing that sucks so much, but it is the truth.

watching killing us softly. it's made me realize a lot of things.

no wonder we all hate our bodies. i am not longer fat, not even overweight, but i still feel huge. i don't even know. i'm a size 6 now and i still feel like it's not good enough. we really are encouraged to become a size 0, a nothing, to get rid of ourselves and to recede into our own bodies. dating forest was destructive. he was a sexist pig. dating john was one of the best things that could have happened to me after being brought down by forest for so long. i'll never ever date a sexist guy again. no way.

And although you're the only home I'll ever know
As if by Magic
Thoughts of you are gone