i like being thin

i hate being lonely

i don't enjoy not knowing how to solve the problem in front of me

i hate you valentines day :(

bleh the gym was crowded as hell yest due to snow = boredom = freshmen all go to gym

i'm getting there super early today so i can get ~my machine~ and leave asap instead of yest where i got off on the wrong foot. it was ok, i just like routine. as you can tell.

i need to do my HW today and go buy some food.... lol

it's snowing again but that's not going to stop me.

still can't decide if i feel dat or not today. i feel ok i guess. today is 4th day this week i've gone to gym. tomorrow will be a 5/7 which is always the best but 4/7 isn't the worst. i'm going to aim for 5/7 since my dad's birthday is sunday and we are going to johnnies and i'm going to let myself eat a jr burger and maybe 2 onion rings.

:I

this isn't a post about eating for once haha

i have a tough/mod image- like, with my style, maybe not so much with my personality anymore. i wear a lot of black and a lot of boots. combat boots, mostly. i do wingtip dark eyes every time i leave my house. i have a nose ring. even if my style isn't universally loved, at least i have a style.

but really i have always always wanted to look lovely and more like a stylish princess. i don't really want to dress in sweet lolita or anything like that... but girly clothes look like shit on me. i don't even think it's my short hair or an issue of being fat/thin. i put them on and it's like. bleh.

the ONE time i wore something girly people told me how shit it looked in passive aggressive ways. well, damn. i even had long hair back then and i wasn't fat (maybe like idk 150 pounds chubby i guess)

and now that i want a real job, it's like i have to change everything about myself ALL OVER AGAIN... just when i finally feel ok picking out outfits and jewelry and makeup i have to start all over. i don't have the money to build a new wardrobe. i hate professional clothes.

i just want to have a style that i like 100% and wear it without people giving me grief over it.

whatever, guess if i have to i'll just go buy all black clothes. i'm not even joking.

my weight as of last summer: about 180 pounds

my weight today: 135.5 pounds

when i will relent: 120 pounds

yes, i do still want to keep losing weight but in a moderate way. only 1-2 pounds a week, tops. doing it the way i was wasn't good, obviously. i need to eat a more BALANCED DIET and eat ENOUGH food.

for my weight, height, and exersice lvel (5x week) this si what the guidelines are:

to maintain: 2252 (whoa this is too much) to lose moderately: 1802 to lose quickly: 1352 i'd say yesterday i had 1500 so that's not bad. i'll keep it in that neighborhood and i'm sure it will be ok. damn the formatting of this post is weird now, lol. anyway i can't stand being trapped in my house for the third day in a row so i'm going to the gym, probably for like 2 hours because i'm SO BORED. and maybe i'll get something from a shop on the way back. i need some sunlight! or snowlight.

i wanna go to the pink & black ball but i don't have a date. :( sad times.

man, i missed the second discussion. i was ONE minute off form it being locked. feels bad. :(

another snow day. i want to go the gym but it's REALLY cold outside. like REALLY cold. i still have 3 days left (R, F, S) to work out so idk if I'll end up going today. Too bad yoga is dumb and I hate it. I tried! I really did but I cannot do it. I just feel ridiculous...

i wonder if i can find a job being a feminist activist in Austin. Prrrrrobably knot.... :T

sigh

looking back, the rape really did trigger the anorexia. it intensified it.

typing that sucks so much, but it is the truth.

watching killing us softly. it's made me realize a lot of things.

no wonder we all hate our bodies. i am not longer fat, not even overweight, but i still feel huge. i don't even know. i'm a size 6 now and i still feel like it's not good enough. we really are encouraged to become a size 0, a nothing, to get rid of ourselves and to recede into our own bodies. dating forest was destructive. he was a sexist pig. dating john was one of the best things that could have happened to me after being brought down by forest for so long. i'll never ever date a sexist guy again. no way.

And although you're the only home I'll ever know
As if by Magic
Thoughts of you are gone

i still feel awful. but less awful? i don't know. i wish i hadn't messed up my digestive system :(

i'm sucking on a mint, should have bought gum. damnit. maybe i will before class? i skipped one because i thought i was going to vomit. turns out, i needed to eat something. so i ate a bunch of saltines. i feel a bit better.

i need to drink more water i think.

i am kind of looking forward to the snow day tomorrow. i only miss 2 hours of work, and it's my least favorite day. i can stay in, make vanilla chai tea (eat some ginger snaps? i think i can) and do yoga and no stress finish my homework.

if the power stays on that is.

bloat as hell, feeling pms, feeling bad. feels bad. i hop ei feel better tmrw. i would have slept more but my neighbors are crazy and kept waking me up form 10 pm to 5 am every few hours. :( come on guys.... why do you have to act like that :(

i'm about to go to the gym. i tried to eat a little bit of fiber today, we'll see what happens. still taking the medicine, cna't be on it for more than a week tho so i'm crossing my fingers and hoping for the best

you know i looked at middleschool/early high school pics of myself and yeah i was bigger but i wasn't obese.... and in college, aside form taking steriods, i was never huge. i just. i don't know. i feel like my body perception is so warped. once a fat girl, always a fat girl. but i don't want that to apply to me. i don't know.

i am unsure about so many things lately even though i have found a new sense of self. i guess i need to remember that life changes all the time and to try to keep my criticism minimum.

cleaning out my house. getting rid of junk. it feels like it's time.

off to the gym for some cardio.

you can't carry it with you if you want to survive

i want so much to grow up and be a good person and repay my parents for all their support and hard work they did to raise me. it kills me that julia ran away knowing now what my mom went through to raise us-all of us.

i am eating potatoes and white bread today and i feel a lot better. i did go workout for an hour but i intend to eat enough calories today

it's hard to stay focused when you hear comments:

are you a size five?

you are so tiny

you are looking smaller

you look really good these days

you look thin

you look thin

you look thin

these are just the comments i got in the past two days. everyone tells me how thin i look. all the time.

the worst part is i look down at what i think is my gut and i feel huge. i feel like 200 pounds. this isn't right. i look in the mirror and see that i look ok but when i look down i feel horrible.

how do you fix this? i'm determined to find out. i don't want to lose my life to something like a body disorder. i do actually feel really happy these days despite feeling ill. i just feel like i have a fire lit in me and i am just going to do what i need to do and that is just the end of that.

just time to get rid of the poison and try to improve every day. i'm not going to give my life over to anything. not a man, not a disorder, not depression. my life is mine and i'm using it to help people, especially myself.

finally went to the dr-what a relief. diagnosis is unofficial but i am on 2 medicines and a specific diet to help my digestive system heal. baked potatoes is an item recommended, so i am not too upset about it-haha.

i think my biggest issue is just my stomach. i always wanted a flat stomach. my extra fat is stored there.... which is a health issue, by the way. i think i will just try to SLOWLY lose the rest of the weight there. at least i have lost a lot of it, which was hard. it was the LAST place i lost weight from. i honestly lost it form my breasts and ass before i lost it from my stomach.

it's hard to stop obsessing but i am determined.

well

i feel really sick today. it's been a week since my stomach started acting up. i was hoping it would go away, but by sunday, it was apparent i was going to have to go to the dr. i hate having to miss class today to go to the dr, but i have to. i can't just not eat food because it hurts. i'm probably malnourished at this point. i am really hoping the dr gives me some good medicine and i feel ten times better by friday.

delayed stomach emptying can be fixed with a liquid diet i think.... i drank a protein type shake as my breakfast. i am still going to the dr tomorrow. i feel very tired despite having gotten 8 hours of sleep. hm. i just need to keep trying hard.

ugh

it is so hard to silence that voice in your head:

you are eating a sandwich? how many calories is that? do you want to be fat again?

no, stop. i need this food to live. it's not normal to never eat. this is what people are supposed to do.

i still look down at myself and think "wow looking a little fat today" :T it's so discouraging, but i hope to get some real help when i go to the dr wed. for my digestive system and for my well being as a person. someone who wants to help other people needs to have help themselves fighting off the negative self talk.

the things we carry and the things we left behind

the thing that made me the most upset about the letter forests gf gave me was this tone/summary:

this is sent out of pity because you are a loser, how dare you turn down a friendship with me. i am a saint and so nice, but you are a fucking loser and i hate you and p.s. i'm better than you in every way ever.

i don't want pity from anyone, especially not her, especially out of the blue. i don't even know what she looks like. i don't even care about that part of my life anymore.

i am not a victim and i don't respond well to being treated like one. there is a huge difference between sympathy/pity and empathy. mainly communication and real connection and understanding.

before i forget

i have to get ready for my class/the day ahead but i didn't want to forget

the way my body feels right now is that i am not hungry anymore - except for when i eat, i realize how hungry i am. i fucked up my digestive system by not eating enough for months. so now eating seems uncomfortable. it's funny, i always wished to just STOP being hungry and now that i am not longer hungry, I am scared. a few months ago i would have wept for joy at this idea, but now that it is here, i hate it. i just want to go on with my life like a normal person.

i hope the dr can fit me in T/R....

how to lie to yourself

let me just say that the anorexia i had was unintentional in the sense that i said "OH i eat food, that isn't anorexia, i wouldn't let that happen to me"

well, what do you call eating only 1200 calories a day then going to the gym and burning off 1,150 calories?

to me i said "there, it wasn't 1200 i still have 50."
"this was a perfect day"

i called these days perfect days. they made me smile. they really did. i don't know if the technical name for what i did is anorexia but form where i stand today, it looks a lot like it. i just used the gym instead of food. not that i ate enough, obviously. 1200 calories is not enough for an active person like myself.

well here it goes

i went from being a victim to healing slightly

getting sidetracked

thinking that i was unlovable, overeating, didn't care about myself, my body, nothing. i was damaged and useless. i wanted to hurt and to be hurt. it was the only validation i knew.

to slipping into anorexia nervosa. to becoming real. a real person.

i am a real human being now and i want to teach others to be real people too. i want to help other young women understand what it took me years to realize. that is what i want to do.

i feel a little sick right now-the anorexia has messed up my digestive system, and i have to go to the doctor for that sometime this week. but it is merely uncomfortable and i will go to class anyway. i'm going to make myself eat anyway. i am not afraid of food. yesterday i even ate cookies. it was a good feeling.

-Deidra